Do you ever feel like that?
I’ve got a whole belly-full of OUGHTS right now, and the Frustration Monster is biting at my tail, dammit!
I’m still in the midst of bear energy, but I don’t feel calm at all. I’ve been trying to think of a sensible post to write, but my brain is like porridge and I am not feeling very at peace with all this hibernation/intuition stuff now that its finally getting sunny and mild outside.
Yes, I’ve got a bad case of the OUGHTS.
I OUGHT to be writing something.
I OUGHT to be writing something serious.
I OUGHT to be keeping a writing notebook.
I OUGHT to be keeping a better, serious, consistent writing notebook.
I OUGHT to be making more of this website.
I OUGHT to be writing my journalling ebook.
I OUGHT to be earning money.
I OUGHT to be doing the garden/cleaning the house/washing up/ making new curtains/planting bulbs/scrubbing the bath/calling that friend I haven’t seen for ages/ doing yoga/ meditating/ making green smoothies/ feeling better by now etc. etc. etc.
Instead, I can just about manage writing in my diary some days. I can make the supper. I can stuff laundry in the machine and press the button. I can do what is absolutely necessary, but not much more.
I have written this week, despite this. I have had two days of absolute brain dump. Verbal runs. On Monday I wrote so hard, so fast, I actually ended up dizzy (NOTE TO SELF: remember to breath whilst typing).
Yes, I made a story of 2195 words in two hours, but I didn’t feel good about it, and not just because of the whole ‘not breathing’ thing. It was a fanfic. And not even a ‘Sherlock’ fanfic, but a ‘Lewis’ one. (How the hell did I develop a hierarchy of OUGHTS about fanfics, for Gods’ sakes?) Somehow, right now, that doesn’t feel good enough. I just couldn’t be glad that I had actually managed to write something, anything, for the first time in two months.
Hello Nigel, Hello Perfectionism.
Nothing is good enough. Nothing is enough. Everything is SHOULD and OUGHT. And all those words lead to is: me beating myself up. Which is not what bear energy is about.
Tomorrow, I intend to feel better. Tomorrow I am going to have peace, and relax, and not care about the fact that I can’t think straight. But today I’m going to have a pity party and throw things and be a general grump, because sometimes, you just have to get it out of your system.
I hope you aren’t being dogged by the Frustration Monster, or scrambling over mountains of SHOULDS and OUGHTS, but if you are, please know that you aren’t alone. And we’ll get through it.
Oh, and tell Nigel to piss off from me, will you?
Urgh. That sounds so familiar. I’m writing in the same world as my friend right now but my story happens first. She’s finished writing her novel and I’m still struggling with the set-up of mine. I am so cross that I can’t push on that I’m strangling any creativity that’s left.
Here’s to letting go and getting on. Hope you feel better tomorrow.
Comparing ourselves to other creatives is definitely a recipe for disaster! I really sympathise! My problem is that I’m comparing myself to unreasonable expectations. I’ve decided to use the anger creatively today – to tidy up and organise my study! Yay! That at least should feel like progress!
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