I forgot to even think about posting.
It has only just occurred to me, at 9.40pm, and the thought followed hard on the heels of this realisation that this is what my life has been for the last three months.
I’m in survival mode.
I’m just keeping my head above water, just managing to stay afloat.
Sometimes that is how life is, and to be honest, maybe I needed this time of stillness and reflection. Not that I do much reflection when I am that ill because my ability to think is severely compromised. It is hard to think about creative plans, or plot bunnies, or even what the next meal is going to be, when you are so tired that you can’t read, write, watch telly or organise a series of logical actions because your brain can’t process.
I’m not saying this to engage your pity. I’m saying it to be honest, and because being honest is good. With myself and with you.
This is what the Creative Life looks like.
It is messy and inconsistent and spasmodic. Sometimes it is filled with elation, and at other times, disappointment. But it is what it is, and that is why we keep doing it.
I started this year with the word DARE. So far, as I think I have said before, DARE has become DAREing to keep going, stay alive, and do things I’ve never done before, like basic nursing activities. Nursing doesn’t usually come within the scope of my definition of creativity, but its definitely under the DARE heading! So I have extended my skillset, been creative in finding practical adjustments that help, and learnt a lot more about my limits.
Now I have to learn a bit of patience, which is not my greatest virtue.
I’m losing two weeks out of four from my creative cycle because of the time it takes to organise, undertake and recover from our caring visits to Husband’s elderly parents. I need to find a way to handle the gash this necessary commitment is cutting into my creative time, as well as how it affects me health-wise. I need to either find a way to drop in and out of my creative mindset more quickly and easily, or to accept that the ease of adjustment I crave simply is not going to happen, and be at peace with that. Whichever happens, I need to make the most of the time that I do have. Otherwise I am going to be very miserable, and be unable to meet the intentions I am hoping for this year.
Sometimes creativity means being realistic. It means learning to do different, in order to take account of how things really are. Because:
“Life is what happens when you are making other plans.”
Living a creative life is not always easy, but it is hugely rewarding.
I refuse to give up hope that I am going to achieve what I want to, that I am going to make some wonderful things and have some wonderful experiences. Life gets in the way. Shit happens. The only thing to do is to find a way to keep going. Or as Winston Churchill often put it, KBO (“Keep Buggering On”).