I can’t quite believe I have written two hundred blog posts for this site since I started it on 18th April 2013! Thats quite a lot of information to write down, and I’m fairly proud of myself for managing it. And I am grateful to everyone who has read, supported, commented and subscribed. Thank you so much!

That said, you will have noticed that posts have been a bit scarce lately. Please don’t think I have forgotten you. Nor have I run out of enthusiasm for blogging. I am determined this isn’t going to be one of those blogs that just stops, mid-conversation, and hangs there, never to be continued. I don’t want that. Besides, the work of creativity never ends, and neither does learning about it.

Nevertheless, Post Number 200 feels like a turning point.

I dont really know where I am going with this blog, any more than I know where I am going with my life. I’m always talking about seismic shifts going on in the background, I know. That’s the kind of life I like to live – one in which I am constantly in a process of of Becoming. But right now, well, I feel as if I am changing right down to my very DNA.

Let me explain.

At the start of the year, I decided to take part in Sas Petherick and Meghan Genge’s Heart and Hearth Circle, and just after that, something extraordinary happened. I decided to sit down and do a Goddess Card reading, as I often do.

The card I pulled that day was Kali.

(Cue meltdown.)

Kali is described by Juni Parkhurst in the book which accompanies the pack as follows:

“Kali is black, full-breasted and bloodthirsty, and dances on the bodies of her enemies. She is alive with power. She is creator and destroyer. She is not a goddess to mess with.”

No, indeed. Kali frankly terrifies me. Parkhurst goes on:

“Drawing this card puts you on notice that major changes are taking place. Structures around you may crumble and fall, leaving you temporarily lost. Remember, however, that destruction must sometimes come before creation. The old, tired, redundant parts of your life must fall away in order to create space for the new and vibrant life that is coming…”

No shit, Sherlock! Since Kali appeared on my desk that day, its been one darn thing after another. My mother was taken very ill in January, and I travelled across the country to look after her and help coordinate her treatment (she’s lots better now, thank goodness!). Shortly after that, Husband was diagnosed suddenly with diabetes, which necessitated a stay in hospital, and a major shift in lifestyle and mindset for us both. Then I had a bout of profound anxiety and depression, followed by a heart problem (luckily that seems benign!). And for the last three weeks I have been prostrate with some kind of virus that has affected my throat and reignited my ME symptoms, leaving me utterly exhausted, and unable to mentally process. Throw in elders with dementia to care for, and constant travelling, and its been a very tough five months.

All this has resulted in some very profound soul-searching, and a readjustment of everything I previously deemed important. In the face of the (admittedly distant) spectre of losing my dear other half, so much that seemed crucial to existence now appears totally and laughably irrelevant. While he continues to respond well to treatment, I am all too aware that he is a similar age to that at which my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer, a sobering thought.

All this is a lot to process, and when one’s brain power is reduced by illness, there isn’t a lot of juice left over for anything else. The result has been what I would describe as something of a story drought. Not writer’s block. I’m perfectly capable of writing. But I’m finding that no new ideas are being delivered in the usual way. I’m a person who is used to fresh stories popping into my head on a daily basis. I’m never short of new ideas. Except now I am. So this is something of a surprise. I am determined not to be phased by it. After all, its understandable given what I’ve been in the midst of during the last few months. I’m in subsistence mode. Life is just sucking up all my neurons at the moment in order to arrange basic survival. There’s nothing left for cave paintings at this point!

I suppose I must have invited Cosmic Intervention into my life on a grand scale by opting for the Heart and Hearth Circle, and signalling that I was ready to get ‘spiritually naked’ as it were. I’m not sure I realised what I was signing up for, but do we ever? Life has changed beyond belief in the last five months, and so have I. And I don’t know what is going to come out of it.

But it will be something really, really good.

So as we move into the next 200 posts together, I hope that you will stick with me through all these upheavals, this drought, and whatever comes out of it. My brain is currently toying with new sewing, quilting and illustrating ideas. I am keeping afloat by journalling and pursuing a version of Natalie Goldberg‘s writing practice. And I will keep you posted as to what emerges, though my missives may be a little less regular than they have been for a while. I know you understand, and I shall look forward to sharing this new life adventure with you in the coming months.

(And incidentally, I really, really recommend the Heart and Hearth Circle. I’ve learnt so much, and Sas and Meghan are wise and wonderful. And I’ve met such lovely kindred spirits too!)

Happy Creating, EF

Hilarious card sent by our niece to cheer us up. It worked.

You may have noticed a distinct absence of Evenlodeness on your dashboard lately.

This is because here at the Evenlode Burrow, we have been struck by a hail of lemons.

Yes, I was ill. Quite ill. Verging on very ill.

And then Husband got diagnosed with diabetes and taken into hospital overnight.

This was, despite all expectations, a major shock. Diabetes is endemic in his family, so we can’t say we weren’t expecting it, but somehow seeing him in a hospital bed still felt horribly distressing, not least because he is close to the same age that my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Both my father and grandfather died at the age of 52, and Husband celebrates his 50th birthday this year, so the rational part of my brain sort of went AWOL.

Matters were further not helped by the fact that the doctors can’t decide which sort of diabetes he has. Type 2 is what you would expect given his age, but apparently his blood tests are not clear. Trust him to be awkward! He could be either, so the quacks are going with treatment for Type 2 for the next fortnight, and if the tablets don’t work, reassessment will follow. Cue uncertainty on an epic scale.

So many people have been telling me how their relatives live healthily with diabetes of either type, and believe me, I know, I know. Husband’s brother has been living well with Type 1 for thirty-odd years. I’m well aware that its not a death sentence, and that it could be a lot worse.

But it has still rocked our world.

There are, however, unexpected gifts even in this hail of lemons:

1) Yay for the NHS

Here in the UK, we have the National Health Service, and it is one of our national sports to complain about it incessantly. But when the s**t really hits the fan, the NHS is there for you, BIG TIME. Yes, we had to sit in a corridor for three hours the first evening, waiting for a bed to become free. Yes, we had to wait two hours for a doctor to be free in order to prescribe two paracetamols for Husband’s headache. And yes, the information we came home with was not what you might call exhaustive, to say the least.

BUT, and this is a HUGE BUT, we didn’t have to worry about paying for any of it, a fact that we were profoundly aware of, and grateful for, throughout the whole process. We were treated with unfailing kindness and courtesy, and given everything we needed. Husband came home with equipment and medications without paying a penny. He can ring up for help any time he needs to. He has a series of further support and assessment appointments to attend, none of them requiring him to cover fees.

To me this is a sign of a civilised society. Anyone who thinks people should have to pay for healthcare needs to reassess their capacity for empathy, which is the key quality of a human being, And anyone who has ever had a sick relative or partner knows just how important it is.

2) Hey, I just stopped giving a stuff!

When the life of the person who is the centre of your world is threatened, suddenly everything becomes very, very simple. All the things that seemed so important have now become completely irrelevant.

Please note the use of the word IRRELEVANT.

I no longer care about all the SHOULDS and OUGHTS that seemed so important to my future last week. I don’t care about having the right filofax or whether the kitchen floor needs mopping, or what people think about the fact that I don’t work, but don’t look sick either. I don’t care about not having a career at 47. I don’t care what people think about me not having children or an income. I don’t care about the piles of stuff we are keeping in the house. It doesn’t matter what people think of how I wear my hair. It doesn’t matter what I think of how I wear my hair. It doesn’t matter if there is nothing in the house for lunch, or the DVD player gets bust – we’ll just buy another one if we have to. (We did!)

Because its all IRRELEVANT.

3) Pure Freedom

The consequence of all this IRRELEVANCY is pure freedom.

I can concentrate on being here, now, with the man I love, which is all that matters.

This is a freedom I have never been able to give myself. The freedom to concentrate on getting both of us well. The freedom to be myself and not worry about trying to start a business or get published or do all the other things that my friends and acquaintences think would be the sign of success, but mainly, the things that I put myself under pressure to do because I don’t think I am enough as I am.

I don’t have to think about any of that now.

My sole intention for the next year will be to get both us well, and to enjoy every single second of the time we have together however the hell I can.

Because nothing else matters.

4) Creativity Caveat

This doesn’t mean I am going to stop writing, or being creative. Rather the opposite. It frees me up from all the SHOULDS and OUGHTS. I can do whatever I like, whenever I like, whenever I am well enough. And I can concentrate on him whenever I need to. I can use my creativity to process and express this new journey we are on. I can enjoy doing it for the first time, instead of making it a labour of OUGHTS. (In fact, I started a new story today.) Its just that from now on, I don’t have to apologise for doing what I want. All that matters is to be happy and healthy with the man I love.

Because when it comes down to it:

from @geraintgriffith on Twitter

I don’t know where this journey will take us. I hope that you will join me as I endeavour to go on using my creativity to live up to what is increasingly speaking to me as my own motto:

SPEAK YOUR TRUTH

In the meantime, I would like to say a heartfelt thank you to everyone who has supported us during the last week as we have negotiated this crisis. To all our dear friends, supporters and readers, we owe you a huge debt of gratitude, and I hope that you know that if you ever need us, we will be there for you too, no matter what.

With love and gratitude to you all,

evenlodesfriend

Speak Your Truth: Writing and Creativity

Category Archives: Diabetes

Post Number 200!

Lemon Lessons