Its Monday, and I would usually write a blog post today about Inspiration.
I would like to write you something sparkling. Something that will give your creative wings a thermal on which to soar. Something that is glitter and unicorns and rainbows. Something to make your heart sing and your pen skitter across the page, leaving a trail of light.
But I have nothing to give you.
I have no light to offer you. No light in my heart. My soul is drained, empty and echoing. I am in the middle of a sandstorm of hormones the like of which I have never experienced in my life before. I now understand why women in the 19th century were incarcerated in insane asylums for the symptoms of severe Premenstrual Syndrome, Perimenopause and Menopause. I am blind and deaf, walking in the dark, knowing only this:
THIS ISN’T ME.
THIS ISN’T WHO I AM.
THIS ISN’T WHAT I AM FEELING.
I feel like a marionette, a puppet whose strings are being pulled by someone else, a someone who has not told me the rules of the game they are playing with my heart and soul. Pieces of me are shattering off. I am a cracked mirror.
People are telling me that I have to let go, that I must allow myself to feel, so that this rage, this hate, this pain, this self-destruction, will pass.
Sounds so easy, doesn’t it? Just allow yourself to be angry. Just punch a few pillows and it will all be better.
There will never be enough pillows to punch. The only way to satisfy this rage would be to rip the head off the world.
(And I am too exhausted to do that. Night after night of racing thoughts, heart palpitations and hot flushes have seen to that. I can barely lift my hand up to hold a toothbrush, never mind thump a pillow.)
There will never be enough tears, so I cannot cry even one.
And I must go on like this, day after day, night after night, until my hormones reach their pinnacle and my body collapses into blood. Only then (I hope), will I become myself again.
I hope. Most vociferously.
The line between who I am, and who my hormones make me, is frightening me very deeply. I understand how easy it would be for a woman with postpartum depression to kill the baby she loves most in all the world. For a girl with premenstrual psychosis to knife a beloved parent. I am not a person who would hurt others, but I can see how easy it would be, because I can see how my hormones are making me into someone I am not, right now. It begs the question:
Who am I, really?
Our hormones make us who we are, but what if they are out of balance? I don’t know. When I bleed, I will remember who I am. Until then, I am the human equivalent of a honey badger.
Thats not a nice thing to be.
But let me tell you this.
This distance between sanity and insanity is the width of a pen nib.
When I write, the pain is eased. Writing heals. So while I rage, I will write. While my hormones slice my heart into slinnocks, I will write. While I writhe with the stampede of fear and despair, I will write. When I have nothing else to give, I will still write. It may not be unicorns and rainbows, but it is Truth.
So for today, if I had to offer you a piece of inspiration, it would be this:
WRITE YOUR TRUTH
(Even if it isn’t very pretty.)
Thank you for listening,